Overfunctioning is Poor Stewardship
A woman, I will call "Molly," came to see me when I was a parish priest. Her presenting problem was that her husband didn't appreciate her and seemed distant in their relationship, her children were lazy and didn't contribute to the functioning of her family by doing chores. She was tired and depressed and “burned out. She complained vehemently about the way in which her family did not take responsibility for anything. "I have to do it all!" she proclaimed, "I'm stuck with all the responsibility." Molly was a classic over-functioner.
During the course of our conversation, Molly began to understand something very basic in relationships: OVER-FUNCTIONING IN SELF CREATES UNDER-FUNCTIONING IN OTHERS. Molly was practicing a self-defeating behavior. She wanted the love and respect and cooperation of her family, and yet, emotionally, they were moving farther and farther away from her. So, she took on more and more responsibility in order to demonstrate her love, respect and cooperation for her family. Over time, Molly was to move toward being more responsible for her "self" and less responsible for her family. Of course, this was met with much resistance by her husband and children, who had grown accustomed to, and expected, that Molly would take care of their needs. But over time, and with some coaching, Molly's self-defining behavior resulted in an improved relationship with her family. Molly was able to change her family's behavior by changing her own behavior. She moved toward health and honored the gifts of her husband and children, and allowed them to begin using those gifts to take responsibility for themselves and their own needs.
I have always been fascinated by the ways in which the parish church behaves like a family on a larger scale. My guess is that there are over-functioners in your parish. I think it would be unusual to find a parish without them. My experience over the last two years tells me that this is true on the diocesan level as well.
I believe we are all called to use our gifts and talents for the sake of God's kingdom, and, if over- functioning in self creates under-functioning in others, those who are over-functioning prevent others from seeing the need and offering their gifts to meet it. It is a stewardship issue. The over-functioner is not practicing a healthy stewardship of body and mind, emotion and spirit, and is actually responsible for preventing others from using their gifts.
For Molly, moving toward good self-care and respect for her family's gifts was the most difficult journey of her life. Jumping in and "doing everything" was such a natural behavior for her and such behaviors are very difficult to change, but jumping in and doing everything meant doing those things for which she was not gifted, sapping her energy and enthusiasm creating burnout, depression, and a complaining nature. Another reason that Molly's journey toward health was so difficult was that her family did a lot of kicking and screaming in an effort to pull Molly back to her over-functioning self. After all, if you don't have to take responsibility for yourself, you get to blame your own life's journey and short-comings on someone else.
People who are practicing good stewardship of their own gifts, who honor the gifts of all God's people, do not have to do everything or be part of everything in the Community of Faith (parish or diocese). Instead, they make room for others to take responsibility and realize that if others are not stepping up to the plate it's probably because they just don't think it's that important, or they've just gotten quite used to the over-functioner jumping in ahead of them. Sometimes those who proclaim the importance of honoring the gifts of all are the very people who are preventing those gifts from being used. It really is a stewardship thing.
