Criticism: Building Community or Tearing it Down?

Reprinted from the July / August 2005 issue of the The Vision.

Misdirected criticism is, in my opinion, the biggest roadblock to churches becoming vibrant and healthy Christian communities. On the other hand, properly directed criticism can lead to the growth of an individual and a community of faith. Properly directed criticism is the expression of concerns that are rooted in fact (experiences and data which support the concerns), not in hearsay, and are expressed in love directly to the one about whom you have a concern. Misdirected criticism is the expression of concerns about someone to anyone who will listen. The first challenges another to change and grow spiritually and emotionally and benefits community; the second damages an individual’s reputation and work within the community and tears Christian community apart.

Our sacred Scriptures, and other holy writings of the Church, warn us against talking about others and spreading information that has not been checked out. A few examples, out of the many in Scripture, include:

• Keep your tongue from evil, and your lips from speaking deceit. (Psalm 34:13)
• Your tongue is like a sharp razor, you worker of treachery.
  (Psalm 52:2)
• Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits. (Proverbs 18:21)

Jesus said,

• I tell you, on the day of judgment you will have to give an account for every careless word you utter; for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned. (Matthew 12: 36-37)
• Those who desire life and desire to see good days, let them keep their tongues from evil and their lips from speaking deceit; let them turn away from evil and do good; let them seek peace and pursue it. (1 Peter 3: 10-11)

The Rule of St. Benedict, which has inspired spiritual health and growth in Christian community for about fifteen hundred years, also deals with “grumblers” in Chapter 23: “Excommunication for Faults.” Sister Joan Chittester, O.S.B. comments on this Chapter of The Rule, “... those who
do not honor the community, those in fact who sin against the development of community in the worst possible way, by consistent complaining, constant resistance, or outright rebellion, must be corrected for it.” (The Rule of Benedict: Insights for the Ages, p. 95)

You see, the problem of misdirected criticism (complaining and grumbling) has always been part of community life. What is at the heart of it and how is it corrected so that the Church can direct its energy into more fully living the
gospel? Family systems guru, Rabbi Edwin Friedman, tells us that criticism is a form of pursuit. It is rooted in the desire to be in relationship with the person being criticized. However, the complainer is unable to do that in a healthy way, or the person being complained about is too distant emotionally.
Unrealistic expectations of another and the displacement of family issues are often the causes of the inability to be in healthy relationship.In a healthy relationship people talk to each other not about each other.

The grumblers, whose complaining is out of proportion to what’s going on, according to Rabbi Friedman, are probably displacing their family issues on to another. Their inability to communicate directly and honestly with a family
member causes a negative response in them which is out of proportion to the issue because someone or some incident had pushed their family button. For example, as a priest and single parent, I discovered that no matter how hard I tried I could do nothing right in the eyes of a powerful parishioner
who had been abandoned by his father. His criticism and destructive behavior toward me had more to do with his anger and disappointment with his father than with me.

It would be a rare insight for the grumblers and complainers in a church community to see themselves as such in this article. So don’t expect that they will voluntarily change their destructive behavior. Instead the healthy people of faith communities can and must correct this by saying, “Stop! I’m not listening to this any more, and if you persist in telling me I will repeat what you say to the person you’re complaining about.” It is the listening to the misdirected criticism that gives it its destructive power. Remember,“What Peter tells you about Paul tells you more about Peter than it does about Paul.” (Rabbi Friedman)

If you can imagine a church (or a diocese, for that matter) not consumed with grumbling and complaining, you can imagine faith communities with more energy to focus on becoming Jesus for the world, – you can imagine healthy
communities with the power to change the world for the sake of the Kingdom of God. Spiritually and emotionally healthy people unite! The health and mission of the Church is in your hands.